Love...Honor...Cherish! When you married, this is the promise (vow) that you lovingly gave your spouse on your wedding day, or something very close to it. While "Just do what you said you would do" is a simple concept, how to make your husband/wife actually feel these things you promised is not.
On any given day I'm not exactly sure what Shar needs from me to feel honored or cherished or even loved by me, and I'm certain she sometimes feels the same toward me. Some days it feels like the target is moving around and I'm left playing a game of "Whack-a-mole". Do I miss the mark sometimes? Oh, yes. And, you will too. The important thing is to keep whacking away! Remember, you vowed that you would keep whacking away, that you would never stop until "death parts us". That's what the vow is all about.
I think it's important to have some kind of working definitions here. I mean, how can I behave in ways that make Shar feel loved, honored and cherished if I don't even know what those words mean? So, here we go...
Love: Now you would think that this would be the easy one to define, right? But I have found it to be the most difficult. I think we can all agree that by "love" we aren't talking about those fleeting and untrustworthy emotions we experience between us, as powerful as those feelings are. Remember, they are emotions, and emotions come and go, rise and fall, ebb and flow. One minute they are overwhelming you with excitement and anticipation, the next they abandon you leaving you lost and empty at best, or rushing headlong into the next big thing at worst.
Here's how I have come to define the love that we vow to our spouse. Love is my unwavering commitment to your highest good, regardless of the personal cost to me. There it is, do you get it? It's a promise that your spouse can count on you to do the things that make them feel completely secure that you will always have their best interest in mind.
Ultimately, we see that kind of love first and foremost in Christ, don't we? Seeing to our highest good (salvation) He sacrificed all. Seeing to our highest good (our need for the power and strength to live this life as He designed) He gives us the indwelling Spirit. Seeing to our highest good (security) have we not been told that He will never leave us nor forsake us...ever! (Heb. 13:5)
Every married partner should aske themselves often, "Am I doing the things which communicate to my spouse that I will always be for their highest good, no matter the cost to me"? It's a simple question and one that takes us right back to our vow. If the answer is no, not so much. Then you have broken your promise and your spouse right now, no doubt, is not feeling "loved".
Commit today to doing and saying the things that communicate your unwavering commitment and devotion to their highest good. You'll be amazed at how they respond to you. Think of it like this; "How did you respond to Jesus when you finally understood His sacrificial devotion to your highest good"? You fell in love with Him, didn't you? Gratitude, praise and worship arose in your heart at the thought of His care for you. Do we not think that the same will be stirred in the heart of our spouse as we show them over and over again that we are committed and devoted t their highest good...no matter what?
Honor: What a great word, right? If you look the word "honor" up you'll find a definition that reads something like this, "to regard or treat someone with admiration and respect". There it is, to honor someone is to show them respect, period!
Now someone might say, "But Ken, you don't know my husband/wife, I don't think they deserve respect". But you would be wrong. As you are, they too are image bearers of God, and therefore deserving of respect. As you are, they too are loved intensely by Him. As you are, they too are sinners in great need of forgiveness.
Not only that, you must also remember that you made a promise to honor (respect) them "For better or for worse". That means when it's easy to show them respect and when it's hard to show them respect. If you meant at your wedding to say this, "Honey, you can count on me to honor you until I don't think you deserve it, then all bets are off", well then that's what you should have said. But you didn't say that, did you? You said, "I promise to honor (respect) you when things are good and when they are not". We show them respect for two reasons; they are crated and loved by God, and because we promised we would.
Cherish: Another beautiful word, isn't it? What does it mean to "cherish" a thing? It means, "To value it above other things".
Here's an example. I love a lot of things; good football, hotdogs, the beach, peach cobbler. But I don't love a hotdog like I love Shar! I cherish Shar. I "value" her far above a hotdog. You get the idea? Our vow included the promise that we would always behave in a way that our partner would feel "valued" above all else, save Christ alone.
I must admit that I have failed this promise many times, and many times wounded my wife. At times I have made her feel less valuable than the church I served. I was always available to anyone who called, day or night. She struggled for just a few minutes of my undivided attention sometimes. This communicated to her that the church was more important to me than she was. Now, that wasn't true, but that's beside the point. The point is, I made her feel that way. I broke my vow, and needed to "course correct" quickly. Maybe you're in need of a "course correction" like I was many times. Begin now to elevate your spouse to the highest value in your life outside of Christ alone. Do the things and say the things that communicate to them how dearly you hold them and how important they are to you.
So, now we have enough definition to ask ourselves some pointed questions. Try these on for size, and let's see how we are doing.
Am I behaving in a way that causes my spouse to feel secure and confident that I will always have their highest good in mind, even if there is cost to myself?
2. Am I behaving in a way that makes my spouse feel respected and appreciated?
3. Am I behaving in a way that makes my spouse feel valued by me above all else save Christ alone? That means careers, money, hobbies, and even children.
Now, let me make a promise to you! If two married people, at the same time, commit themselves to loving, honoring and cherishing each other for life (as you vowed you would) nothing will ever stop that marriage. It will not fail. It will fulfill it's created purpose; to glorify God and make His love known to the world (Eph. 5:32) while also gratifying and fulfilling each of your desires for a secure, intimate, loving and lifelong partnership.
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