Marriage is hard! Shar and I commonly ask couples, "Is marriage harder or easier than you originally thought"? Nearly always the response is immediate and emphatic, "Absolutely harder, no question"!
So, let's ask "Why". Why is marriage often so difficult? Well, part of the answer is because we human beings are so fallen and so flawed. By nature we are self centered, selfish, morally flawed and far more dedicated to our own comfort and happiness than that of others, including our spouse. Of course marriage is hard. Marriage requires self sacrifice and total commitment to our spouse's highest good, no matter the cost to us. Marriage demands exactly what we hate to give up; control, getting our way, having or getting exactly what we want when we want it and the way we want it. Yep, it's hard, right?
But that's only part of the problem. The biggest reason marriage is often hard is a bit tougher to get our heads around, but let's give it a try.
The bible tells us that we have an adversary in life. An enemy. An opponent that must be overcome in order to experience the fullness of God's plan for our lives. This enemy is not flesh and blood. Not the government, not our wives or husbands, not our kids, not our boss at work. The enemy of our life is none other than Satan himself, the devil, the father of lies (see Eph. 6:10-17).
Follow me here! We are also told in 2 Thess. 2:4 that this adversary "opposes and exalts himself above all that is called god and worshipped". I think this is crucial to understand. You see, God created three institutions for the blessing and care of humankind; government, the church, and the family. He created these three and gave them each a clear purpose. Government exists to punish evil and advance the good. The church exists to glorify God and to make disciples (a disciple is simply a real follower of Jesus). The family exists to care for each new generation and raise them up to faithfully love and serve Christ. Now all of this is a gross oversimplification, but I'm sure you get my drift. These institutions, created by God, exist for His glory and for our benefit, protection and highest good.
Now, because God created these institutions for His glory and for His purposes, doesn't it stand to reason that our unseen enemy would violently "oppose and exalt himself above them"? That's what we see government becoming more and more adrift from God's original purpose, even sometimes calling evil good and good evil. That's why we see the church dramatically losing its influence today. It's replaced the biblical gospel with some watered down version of cheap believe-ism, a promise of personal prosperity, and little more than a behavior-modification program. And when it comes to the institution of family, it's really clear that the battle is ferocious and that we have much to overcome. Marriage has never been held with less regard than in today's America. American culture, if it regards it at all, seems to regard marriage as an ancient, outdated thing held over from an era of morally stuck, uptight traditionalists who simply need to get out of the way of social progress and enlightenment.
Yes, marriage is hard, not only because we human beings are flawed, but because of a relentless spiritual assault that seeks to utterly destroy your family! With that little chunk of truth in mind, let me now give a little insight into how the unseen adversary mounts his assault, then end with a few tips that will help us fight a good fight for our marriage.
How the adversary mounts his assault: He seizes upon "opportunity". He is a grand opportunist! When Satan took on Christ Himself in the wilderness after His baptism, he did his worst to destroy Jesus and end the redemptive plan's of God for humanity (Lk. 4:1-13). Jesus endured temptation and remained in perfect union with the Father, His eyes set steadfastly on the cross where He would eventually be crucified, breaking the curse upon sinners and making a new and living way for mankind to be united with our Creator.
Recognizing his defeat, Lk. 4:13 records that Satan "departed from Him until an opportune time". Did you get that? He waits patiently for his opportunity. It's true also of his assault upon our marriage and family; he waits until an opportunity presents itself and when it does, it can feel like hell itself is marshalled against a husband and his wife; ripping, tearing, drifting, until finally many abandon God's design, break their covenant and move on seeking for peace and personal happiness elsewhere.
So, we must ask, "Where do these opportunities come from? How are they created"? And maybe more importantly, "How can we overcome them"?
Often, our adversary finds his opportunity in the everyday things of life that all of us continually deal with. While the assault is clearly a spiritual one, it's often the common stuff of our lives that he uses to confuse and divide a husband and wife. here is a list of those common things Satan often uses to turn loving husbands and wives into adversaries...
Other men and other women
Parents
Friends and other family members
Children
All of us deal with other men and women in our lives every day. My wife has many wonderful friends, many of them beautiful and charming. As wonderful as they are, they can still be a threat, used by Satan to confuse and divide Shar and I. In fact, even among Christians, most affairs occur between friends who know each other well. People who go to church together, camp together with their kids, play cards with on the weekends. Every other man and every other woman can become a tool of our adversary to the shipwreck of our marriage.
All of us deal with parents every day. They are in our lives and they are often huge assets to us. That said, when they become over-involved or smothering (though they do it in love) they can actually be what Satan uses to create frustration and tension between a husband and wife.
All of us deal with friends and family members, and children every day as well. I have seen, particularly in blended families, even children become Satan's "opportunity" to bring division, resentment and bitterness into the marriage.
Satan waits...and waits...and waits...and waits some more until just the right circumstances or just the right person comes along before he begins his full-court press against a marriage. He's patient, intentional and strategic in his assault.
That's the "people stuff" he seems to commonly use; but the list continues. There's the "not people stuff"...
Careers
Hobbies
Busyness and over commitment
Money issues
Intimacy issues
Technology gone wild
Take a look at those two lists, the "people stuff" and the "not people stuff". All of it is common in life, things we all must deal with every day, right? Now think back on the last argument you and your spouse had. My hunch is that you argued or fought over something on that list! In fact, I can almost guarantee it. That's how Satan, the great opportunist" works toward the destruction of a marriage covenant. He patiently waits, maybe it's year seven, or year fifteen, or year thirty two, but at some point he strategically finds a way to invade the inner-circle of a marriage and create an angry, adversarial atmosphere between a husband and wife.
Now, let me be clear, the things on these lists are not evil. Look at them again; not only are they not evil, they're awesome...until they aren't! We all need other men and women to live with in loving community. Children are such a blessing and a gift from God. We all need parents that are for us. We all can enjoy a hobby. We all love to work in a rewarding career through which the Lord meets our needs. But again, all of these can be used by our adversary to split and divide the beautiful unity God has designed for marriage.
So, what's the answer? What's the solution? How are we to defend our marriages from this relentless assault that comes through things we all must deal with every day? We have to keep each of these things in their "appropriate" place in our lives. We can know when they are invading our inner-circle of marriage and being used to divide when we have ongoing, cyclical arguments and tension over them. That means something has penetrated our inner-circle and is being used by the evil one to steal way the joy and the peace God has designed for us.
Early in our marriage, now remember we were married at nineteen years old, friends and hobbies became a real problem for us. My buddies calling me up on weekends for a racquetball game, or a pickup basketball game, or an ultimate frisbee game became a cyclic source of tension between Shar and I. My friends and my hobbies had an "inappropriate" place in our marriage. We were often frustrated, angry and torn as I would walk out the door to go play. Soon the Lord showed us that I had make a change and get those things in their appropriate place. She never asked me to abandon my friendships or quit playing racquetball. She was only asking that our marriage and our unity would come first, something all of us desire. With some simple adjustments and a couple of phone calls letting my buddies know that I was going to be less available, all was made right; end of tension!
Every couple has to be courageous enough to move things out of their inner-circle and into a more appropriate place when those things are disrupting the joy the peace and the unity of their married life. Period! That hobby, that friend, that parent, that job, that frantic pace we live at. It's all about recognizing when Satan has found something to use to divide us, and being fiercely devoted enough to our marriages that we are willing to move that thing into a more appropriate place in our lives. Sometimes it's a conversation we need to have with an overly-invested (nosey) parent. Or a friend that's occupying way too much time. Or cutting back on a hobby or our spending. Maybe it's a career move that becomes necessary so that our marriage can thrive in joy and peace. The question is "Are we courageous enough and devoted enough to protect our inner-circle from all enemies"? "Will we make those changes and move that thing into a more appropriate place"?
Be courageous dear ones! See yourselves as soldiers, faithfully patrolling the perimeter of your inner-circle of marriage, willing to expel anything that has penetrated that circle and is causing disunity and division and place it in a more appropriate place. Welcome to the fight for marriage. Through Christ, in faith, fight on!
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